October 16th, 7:20am, Hollywood.
For the first time in 2 weeks, I woke up inside, away from the rising sun and the sound of nature. For the first time in 2 weeks, I woke up without my tribe around me. And for the first time in 2 weeks, I felt the need to extend my arm and reach out for my electronic device. Reach out for the people living inside it, sharing their stories inside it. I reached out for that loving human connection I have experienced for the past 2 weeks. And this pattern I have developed at home of opening my eyes at morning and feeling the urge of checking my social media was finally and blendly explained to me.
Feeling empowered by a loving community, this is what I gained during the last 2 weeks of the Sustainable Living Tour. Knowing that at any given time, around me was someone available for me. All I needed to do was to extend my arm and touch them. No need for text messages, phone calls, agenda and ahead planning. All the companionship, support and love I needed was within immediate reach. We were together, sharing a common intention, journeying with each other on our quest for a more sustainable future and personal betterment.
Now, the journey is gradually coming to an end. From the 12 day tour as a moving community of 24 to the 4 days of camping with 6 to 10 others, I am now left with 2 members of the tribe. It feels like slowly taking off the warm blankets before to jump out of bed, transitioning from night-dreaming to day-being. I have to put the blankets aside to go on with my day, but I still feel their comforting warmth.
Tonight, I am back home in Victoria, back to the life I have so far built for myself out there. I now feel it isn’t exactly the life that I want but I also feel that there is strong foundations out there that simply need to be built on.
I still get to wonder if all of this really happened. 24 hours ago, I woke up in nature with my tribe around me. I hugged them goodbye and sent them away with much love. I felt tears filling my eyes and a hole forming in my abdomen. And then I got a little numb.
I can’t let the image of my tribe become to vivid or I get afraid. Afraid to go without them, without their support, love and touch. I don’t want to be alone. I have to be numb or else, I am afraid to find myself standing by a black hole of loneliness. I am afraid to be sucked in. I am afraid to recognize how much I needed their love and touch, how tired I am not to have any arms to reach for.
I would usually find comfort within words, express myself through carefully chosen ones. But they took off few days ago as I embodied love instead of rationalizing it with words. As I gave in to the energy of love, words didn’t seem needed. So when the time for goodbyes came, I simply felt empty of them. So I hugged. I received. I gave.
Since these goodbyes, I haven’t felt like like using words. The issue is that I can’t be silent AND numb. I can’t keep it all in. I need to open my heart to the sadness of separation, to the fear of stepping in my full potential and creating the life I envision for myself. I need to feel the extension of love and not it’s contraction. I don’t need to hold on tightly in scarcity. There’s not such thing as a finite amount of love. What I have received doesn’t go away, it stays with me, it was directed at me, for me. Therefore, it will stay with me. I just need to learn how to keep it alive at any given time. I need to know I can find it anywhere; it is everywhere!
I don’t want to be numb anymore.
Today, I choose to feel the love and the sadness and the fear. I choose to honor myself and the teachings of the past weeks by feeling what’s alive for me. And there’s a lot, oh believe me, there’s a lot of life in me and it’s beautiful that way!
The journey is not over. It is just beginning!