Stolen moments: a transformational journey

I stop moving and let my eyes find movement around me.  We have been giving time to connect with nature and that’s the best way I have to do so. Ants. I catch the motion of ants all around. Clearly, I see the highway they roam to bring back whatever they collect to the nest . I track it backwards until it seems to dissolve, until I can’t perceive any motion anymore. I move on. I find these seeds of a curious weed and curious myself, I break one up and try to figure out what magic ways it has to spread. Unexpectedly, I find little larvaes living deep at the heart of the seed. I wonder how they benefit each other. I let them be and I move on. I notice the pattern of a cactus-like plant and immortalize it with my camera. And then, it hits me: I don’t need to be as spiritual as the others in the group, I don’t need to be able to enter a meditative state within seconds or throw love at everyone through rainbows getting out of my abdomen. MY strength lays right here in observing and seeing the beauty in nature and around me. By being deeply aware of what is outside of me, by being curious of my natural surrounding, I’m actually tuning in and finding MY place of communion. Through this nature connection exercise, I find MY way to spirituality and also my place in this group, reminded of MY unique gifts and MY own truth.

***

I am not good enough. This limiting belief I have written on a piece of paper. I fold it in a paper plane and quickly, as if it is burning my hands, I throw in the flames this undesirable lie I tell myself. I want to be done with it. Goodbye, farewell, you aren’t welcome ever again. And around me to their own rythm, my brothers and sisters feed their own limiting believes to the flames. Not only is this fire gifting us warmth and light, it is also cleansing us.

***

I keep looking up at the moon, the stars and the silhouette of the mountains. I keep thinking that the Earth is healing through the music of the cello and the words of love sung by this rich voice. No concert ever felt more powerful to me. There is us, beautiful and loving, there is the music, vibrant and encompassing, there is the Universe, healing and providing. I smile, I feel whole. We are one and the same. This is unity.

 ***

The music is cranked up in the van to one of my favorite song and everyone is dancing on their seat, smiling and laughing. And I can feel it. It’s overtaking me. We are a bubble of love moving down the freeway in our LoveMobile! Life is so freaking beautiful!

***

I need to get out now. I need the fresh air, the trees and the sun. I rush out the yurt after the grieving ceremony. I never experienced the sharing and receiving of such raw emotions before. The sadness, anger, fear and emptiness towards a future where civilization destroys it’s very own provider, Mother Earth. I feel this energy in me. I’m alive, so freaking alive. And I need to laugh and be light. I need to touch the sky and free the last remnants of heaviness. I find the kids’ swing and frenetically, I start rocking back and forth, higher and higher. And that’s it, I’m flying! Im so fast and going so high that I could be sent in orbit! I’m giggling, I’m a child, I’m joy, I’m play. And I’m afraid this entire kids’ structure will fall apart if I keep going!

***
I am part of this empowermemt circle and this is my turn to receive. And I do. I am a beauty bringer, a warrior, a pioneer, a facilitator, a guide, a deep inquisitor. I have a fresh perspective, I’m unapologetic in myself, I stand up for what I believe. I am fun-loving, joyful, adventurer, I am beautiful inside out. I look in the eyes of everyone as I receive their words and I smile. I’m grateful. In such a short time, I found people that see all of me, find the beauty in me that I am afraid to keep hidden from most. I have let myself be seen! I AM a good person! I AM!

***

Darn. I don’t want to be that person. The one that needs to stop the convoy for a pee break. But I am. But that’s ok. Because I have a tribe and they got my back. Being the second vehicle of the convoy, we are trying to get the attention of the first vehicle so we aren’t splitting from them. Someone gets a notebook out, write these 3 letters on it :  P E E.  We speed up on the empty freeway and wave our sign to the passengers of the leading van as we move ahead of them. This is hilarious! We find a pullover and I can finally liberate my bladder. Turns out most everyone run to a see-through bush to somewhat hide their bum as they are relieving themselves. I knew I could not be the only one who needed a pee break! What I did not forsee is the spontaneous dance party that follows. The music is cranked up in one of the van and calls us to express our freedom and happinesses. The road is empty as far as the eyes can see and we take it! The landscape is beautiful. We are beautiful. And we dance. Grateful for each other, grateful for this moment of bliss. Best pee break ever!

***

Water! It is barely running but still is water in a creek bed.  Water I can put my feet in and feel it’s cold, refreshing, cleansing touch. Oh, how much I needed it! I have been taking it for granted, living in a place of abundant water and lush vegetation. I enjoyed observing these dry desertic South Californian landscapes, but something felt off. My body and my soul were asking for the life given by the water. I don’t really know how to explain the sense of relieve that I am feeling as I am walking alone in this creek bed. I am in sync with nature. My skin feels the fresh breeze and the cold water, my eyes see shapes, colors and patterns, my mind notice the interconnections. Communion. It must be the word.

***

Everyone is in love with each other at this point in the tour and there’s so many people I haven’t really talked to in the group. I wonder if I truly connected with any individuals. And it hits me that I am keeping distant from true connection. Because it will end soon. Because these people won’t be part of my everyday life. Because I will stay behind craving their presence but they won’t be there anymore. I’m protecting myself. I’m missing out.

***

Im not one to enjoy early mornings but this mountain has been nagging me since I set my eyes on it. So I woke up to see the moon in the sky and the first light of dawn slowly taking over. And here I am now, saluting the sun from atop! I thought it would be much longer but it took me no more than 20-25 minutes. I got nervous when the ridge became steep and extremely narrow. But I talked myself through it. This is not my first mountain after all. I’m feeling proud. As everyone else watches it from below, I am standing on its summit and watching beyond it. Little by little, the sun brighten up the valley and high meadows. I see my people moving down there. I wish someone would look up and see me. It’s ok to think that I am freaking cool, right? Won’t make it an habit, promise!

***

Day 12 and it’s the end already. Everyone breaks into embrace, hug and cuddle. I wish I would too but I can’t. And I realize how much then I need it. How much it has been lacking in my life in the last years. How much I silenced this part of me. But I’m not ready yet.

***

I think I am ready now. As a little group of us that pursued the adventure together for few more days gather around a bonfire, my brother comes sit right next to me and I drop my head on his shoulder. I’m so grateful. Thanks for giving me what I couldn’t ask for. And as everyone leaves the fire, I end up there alone. But I don’t want to be alone tonight. I make my way to the rooftop where my sisters are laying in bed, rolled up in their sleeping bags, watching the stars over the desert. And I join them. And I cuddle. And I’m grateful for letting in this energy, for allowing myself the right to an embrace. I stay there for the night, rolled in my own sleeping bag with all of them close by. I wake up in time to see a yellow shade over the distant mountains as dawn is setting in. Everyone jumps back in the bed and we watch the sunrise, all squeezed together. It’s magical. A morning like none before.

***

These rocks! It has to be the work of a giant child, piling them as it pleased, leaving it all behind as the mood called for another game. My sight is delighted with all of Joshua Tree National Park’s visual textures! But my Canadian self is not impressed with the heat!

***

The evening is cold and I somewhat regret that we moved to this campsite by Deep Creek Hot Springs instead of staying in the warmth of the rooftop bed camp. Our convoy splitted and the fact that all my luggage and my warm clothes are in another vehicle which hasn’t arrived yet doesn’t help. But then, lights shine in the distance and not only the rest of the convoy  arrive but late comers finally meet back with the rest of us. Our tribe is extending again and the excitement is palpable. I don’t care anymore about the warm rooftop, I have all the warmth I need right here around me!

***

When I was a kid, my friend and I would wave goodbye until we would be out of sight, not stopping before. And this is how I am sending my people away right now. I run behind their car and  keep waving even if I doubt anyone will turn back at this point. My eyes are filing with tears as the car gets smaller and finally disappears behind a hill. Only then can I stop waving.  Good bye my friends. Ce n’est qu’un au revoir, oui nous nous reverrons!

Publicités

Laisser un commentaire

Choisissez une méthode de connexion pour poster votre commentaire:

Logo WordPress.com

Vous commentez à l'aide de votre compte WordPress.com. Déconnexion / Changer )

Image Twitter

Vous commentez à l'aide de votre compte Twitter. Déconnexion / Changer )

Photo Facebook

Vous commentez à l'aide de votre compte Facebook. Déconnexion / Changer )

Photo Google+

Vous commentez à l'aide de votre compte Google+. Déconnexion / Changer )

Connexion à %s